Guilt.

Isn't it funny how some nights you know as early as 10pm that it will be an entirely sleepless night? You're tired exhausted and want nothing more than to sleep, yet insomnia has already started getting the best of you and you just know tomorrow morning is going to be hell? That was me last night. Exhausted. Wanted nothing more than to just fall asleep already. And yet forced myself to stay up and see how many episodes of HIMYM I could fit in before just flat out crashing.

Nights like last night are becoming increasingly popular for my brain for whatever reason, and I can't say I'm a fan.

If yesterday's post was any indication, I've had a lot on my mind lately. A lot of thoughts and emotions I simply did not want to deal with or couldn't handle facing yet. So I shoved them towards the back of my mind, hoping maybe they would just go away. Obviously, that never works, and they just sat there eating away at me. It's probably a key reason why my anxiety and depression have felt so strong lately - I had things I needed to deal with that I instead left to just sit and collect dust in my brain. It wasn't healthy, but sometimes you just need some time before you're ready to face reality. And that was me.

It's hard to say goodbye to relationships that you worked your ass off for, even when you know its the only thing to do. It's especially hard when you let yourself be someone else's punching for years, deeply hurting yourself in the process, and then can't even find the courage to stand up for yourself when its all over. I never want to be the reason someone else is upset or aggravated in any way. Even if in turn, I am the one who has to suffer. I understand the psychology behind constantly needing to please people and make other people happy before yourself. It's something I pride myself on at times. But there is also such thing as taking it to far. I have been carrying the weight of other people on my shoulders for too long. I worry more about them than myself, and its started to take a major toll. I can't do it anymore. And I need to find someway to not feel guilty, and finally put myself first.

Guilt is a really hard feeling to face, especially when you know it isn't warranted in any way, and when you don't know any other way. Guilt is a feeling I know far too well, and a feeling I have let hold me back for far too long. I disagree with someone else, I feel guilty. I share my opinions, I feel guilty. Someone asks for a favor I just can't do for whatever reason, I feel guilty. 

And it needs to stop.

I know that I'm a good person. I know that I will always go above and beyond for the people around me whenever I can. But sometimes, I just can't. And instead of shoving more on my plate than I can handle, I need to learn when to say "no" and "I'm sorry, but I just can't right now". 9 times out of 10, people understand and its no big deal at all. Why must I bust my ass and shove my personal responsibilities aside only for me to grow resentful for my decision in the first place? It isn't fair, to either of us.

There is too much I want to do in life to be bogged down by constant guilt. It isn't fair to myself to to let the fear of feeling guilty continue to hold me back. I will never amount to any of the things I know I am beyond capable of if I don't put myself and my own needs first. I've said it before, and have yet to find it in myself to follow through. That annoying little five letter word kicks in and continues to hold me back. I need to find a way around it before it consumes my entire life to the point of no return. 

Recognizing and admitting to the problem is half the battle though, right? Here's to hoping I can find the courage to tackle the other half. And soon.